Womankind's Triumph over Sleepiness

It must not have just been I that was busy last night. Everybody was coming to class with extra frizzy hair and purple under their eyes, and they were arriving long after our broken clock tower would have rung to start off the classes. Students just trying to stand up straight looked like seaweed swaying in an angry ocean. My body may have collapsed too like the melting snowmen (and snowwomen) all around campus, but I had my secret weapon. Upon even the slightest hint of a yawn, I could reach deep into my backpack to pull out a Power Bar: oh, yes, a Power Bar. Bow down to me, you eyelid wrestling fools, for I am your energetic god. Even well into the late hours of the class, the fires were burning deep within me.

Well actually, Dear Reader, I must admit to you a small secret, for it was not truly a Power Bar that I was consuming, though it was a bar, and in the same family as the above mentioned. In truth, it was a Luna Bar. Yes, heard right: I loosed a Luna Bar into my very masculine self. Now you may already know of what I speak, but in case you don’t, I shall explain.

Definition of Luna Bar: the blissfully good, whole nutrition bar for women that meets many of the nutritional requirements women need everyday to maintain active lifestyles.

Why did I have a Luna in my possession? Well, my sister, in all her feministic splendor, eats these multi-flavored treats; or maybe it’s that she doesn’t, but that my parents think she does. That being the case, my parents buy boxes full, while my sister lets them sit in the cupboard. Knowing my family, they may sit there a good many years until they are shipped off to me, her always hungry brother. My parents send me all sorts of snacks, which I finish in less time than it takes them to get from there to here. There were only a few sweet or salty delights which I hesitated to bite into. Some of these treats I did not eat as they had long past their expiration date, and so, not wanting to pass my own expiration date, I shared them with my hungry trash can. The other snacks I worried about were the Luna Bars.

I mean, just what is the Luna Bar? Could eating one have any consequcne on my gender or sexual orientation? Perhaps they fill these bars with estrogen. I do not want to be unbalancing my chemical levels; I like my levels right where they are. I don’t need breasts; I just need to stay awake. All these worries went through my brain that unfortunately had to also deal with complaints from my empty stomach and heavy eyelids. When the classes and exams started, my brain gave into any impurity it might come across in order to simply flush out all difficulties. It seems today, I was not merely being tested in literature, but in testosterone as well. So, throughout the whole exam, I was distracted by worries of gender transformation. Then in the middle of my exam, a horrible thought came to mind: I’m pretty sure I haven’t had a period lately!