A Happy Sunday in the Forest

I’m in the forest with all the little animals, all the cute little woodland creatures. We’re having a tea party. “Would you like some tea,” says a rabbit. “Yes, I would,” says a chipmunk. “Have some cookies,” a squirrel says to me, and I smack him good and hard. I use the back of my hand, and hit him right in the chest so that he and his stupid tray of cookies go flying back into the chestnut tree.

An owl gets really angry at me and decides to do something about it. While he’s pecking at me, some of the mice decide to help and bite me. Then I’ve got deer running into me and cats clawing at me. There’s a dog from somewhere who is just barking. I have no idea where the dog and cat came from.

We’re all wrestling about. We’re just this big bunch of animals. I’m getting scratched and bitten. I manage to take a few of the fur balls out. I grab a beaver by the neck and toss him into a bush. I fling a weasel into the river.

All is going pretty well, but then all of a sudden the skunk shows up and does his thing all over me. All the other little animals dash for it, leaving just me and the skunk. After I kick him a good distance, there’s nobody left but me. That’ll teach those bastards to mess with me.

I’m so happy I don’t even notice the smell. It is pretty bad, though, once I catch my breath. I jump into that river to scrub, but the smell is good and deep into my pores. Also, the scrubbing hurts the bites and scratches I have.

I decide I’m sorry. “Come back, little animals, come back! I’m sorry.” I scream at the top of my lungs. While I wait for them to show up, I get out and roll on the grass to dry myself. I still smell pretty bad, but I don’t care, and the little fuckers will have to just deal with it.

“Would you like some tea?” “Why yes I would, thank you for asking.” “How about some cookies.” “Why thank you.” “Do you want some milk.” “All right, that’s it!” I grab the gopher by the head, rip off some of his fur, and shoot him into the bear cub who was giving strawberries to his imaginary friend. I don’t really like his imaginary friend. His name is Binkers and he has sausages instead of wings. I once jabbed a stick into one of the sausages, and pulled off a piece to eat. The bear cub was pretty upset, but I think Binkers must have been even more upset.

Anyway, the strawberries go flying, and this time, it’s the fox that jumps on me first. I jab a teaspoon into his ear and yell, “Hey, now you have a teaspoon in your ear, asshole!”

I can’t remember if it’s the badger’s birthday today or not. They used to be singing, but now all the animals make their little growling noises, but it doesn’t sound very ferocious, and just sounds cute. I start laughing. I laugh so hard that my mouth starts to grow. I can't explain why. It becomes enormous as if it were made of silly putty. It becomes so big I can eat all the little animals in one bite. They taste awful, so after chewing them a few bites, I spit them back out, into the river. It’s just one clump of meat.

I kick over the teapot and all the other fancy things we had. I jump up on one of the tables and start dancing and singing until I get tired. Then I go home and go to sleep, and that’s when I realize this isn’t really a dream.

The moral of the story is that even though the snow may melt, springtime should be taken seriously.