No Hot Water

There’s this girl in one of my classes who reminds me of cold water, so I call her Cold Water Girl. Before showering, especially in older homes, the water first comes out cold. You must wait despite the fact that, you’re toes are little icicles, your body is covered in uncomfortable and unmentionable filth, or you’re late to a post shower appointment. This is mostly unavoidable: you can do something else in the meantime, but there is still the wait.

Cold Water Girl believes she is just a little bit superior. I tell you now, she is a mere critic. In class discussions about a student’s work, we speak about these things and in this order: general things, good things, and bad things. After the discussion flows to the next part, there is no return. Cold Water Girl is always the first to give a negative comment. She’s quite jumpy to give an intellectually delicious morsel of advice, and because of these, we often go into that part of the discussion a little early. I like to boost the student’s moral because we have a rather negatively inclined class. There is no shortage of advice, but especially when Cold Water Girl is there, and she always is, perhaps just so she can strip off any good points a banana peel. One student will compliment this, and another student will compliment that, but then Cold Water Girl says that actually, she doesn’t really like those things.

When a negative thought has finished brewing, Cold Water Girl’s hand raises patiently above an impatient mind until called on. When finally called on to speak, she pauses, and does so vocally: “Um.” This is supposed to soften the impact of her cold water upon her victim’s soft flesh. Cold Water Girl hides behind words of flowers and sugar, but inside those flowery words are angry bees. Not all that oozes from her mouth is 24 karat mucus: there are signs of life deep within the slime. However, the majority should be carefully wiped up with a tissue and dropped into the garbage can. The poop that finally bursts the baby’s diaper is when the professor agrees with her. It also encourages Cold Water Girl to say more, which we all need like I need days of constant beeping because my housemates to forget to turn off their alarm clocks when they leave for the weekends, which they did again.

I don’t mind when my work is critiqued. There are enough good things, and I can deal with any comments. She doesn’t need to be so negative, though. Cold Water Girl’s work is no better than anybody else’s. When critiquing her work, I ensure she is returned the favors. She gives a fake smile, and I give a real smile, because inside, part of her is dying.